Our Sense of Self

The official part of the engagement party was winding to a close and the "real" party was about to start.  Amy's cousin's husband, Andrew, and I slipped down to the basement to get a little quiet and truthfully just to lay out of the couches and relax (I don't have the energy I used to on going).
 
While we watched tv we started talking and he asked me what this experience had taught me the most.  I had to stop for a minute and think.  I have been writing this blog for well over a year now reflecting on the different lessons that Cancer had given me but to narrow all those different things down to one left me speechless.  Which lessons were bigger than others?
 


There were a couple lessons like appreciate life more, seeing the beauty in things I wouldn't have before, and taking life at a slower pace.  But deep down I wasn't fully satisfied with those answers.  We continued chatting and after a little while it came to me. 
 
The biggest lesson going through cancer has taught me is our Sense of Self and how it is tied to our self worth.
 
If you were to do a survey I am sure that you would find that almost everyone's sense of self is tied to one of two things; their careers or their physical appearance.  The problem is in reality you really don't have much control of either of these two things.  Your career can be taken away at any moment whether through restructuring, downsizing, personal illness etc.  And your physical appearance will fade as you age, it is just inevitable.  So what happens when the thing that makes up all of your personal sense of self worth is taken away?  You feel empty, lost, depressed, and even destroyed.  It can be very hard for someone to rebuild when they feel like their entire self was taken away.
 
I really can empathesize with this.  When my leukemia hit it struck both "popular fronts".  It took away my career that I had poured the last three years into building, and the drugs required to treat make it impossible to even begin to try and switch your self worth to appearance.  When I got out of the hospital last year, I was lost and beginning to get depressed.  I knew I needed to redefine myself.  I went through weeks of my mood going up and down while tried to redefine my sense of self.  What made it worse was I was still on steroids so you can imagine what Amy dealt with....very high high's and very low low's.  Bless her for sticking it out :D
 
But it wasn't all bad.  I learnt an extremely valuable lesson; your sense of self CANNOT be tied to something that you don't control.  I am not saying part of your sense of self can't be work or physical but that can't be it.  You have more to you, so when tragedy comes knocking you still are in control of yourself. 
 
This is why I have been pushing you all this year to go out and find passions and hobbies.  It isn't so you can have stuff to take up more of your time.  It is to enrich your life and start building a sense of self that only you can control.  
 
There are many forms of tragedies and we never know when one will strike in our lives.  I know I will be ready for it with a set of strong passions and sense of self.  
 
Will you??
 

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