I Have A Disease

No, No, this is not an obvious post about my leukemia or gvhd, we all know I have those (it says so right in the title of my blog :) ).  Although, the leukemia can be debatable, if you are in molecular remission does that mean you don't have the disease anymore?  Well that is something we will find out in a couple weeks when I get back my 6 month checkup tests and can discuss the semantics further then. The disease I am speaking about isn't a disease in its truest form but more a play on words on my part.

This past year I have become completely and utterly absorbed into my photography.  It is what takes up almost all of my free time.  When I am not out shooting, I am either:
-looking through old images of mine and figuring out how they could have been improved
-reading about techniques and compositional elements
-looking at other photographer's work
-reading other photographer's blog
-talking to anyone that will listen about it (just ask Amy, it drives her nuts :) )
 
It is even so bad that most nights I can't get to sleep because all I am thinking about is photography and I can't shut my brain off.
 
Now many of you might think this could be a bit excessive but I look at it as necessary especially when going through tough times.  My photography has pulled me through some real funks and valleys as I have been being treated for and recovering from Leukemia.  And how has it been about to do that, well it achieves all of the 4 P's for Positivity thats how :)
 
Peace- the physical act of photography always brings me inner peace.  It forces me to get outside and be a observer/participant in the world around me. It reminds me of the simple beauties in life and while I am out I usually listen to music that I find to be peaceful or contemplative.
 
Perspective - photography forces you to be an observer.  This allows you to see the world in a different light and can often change your perceptions related to your own situations
 
Passion - well I don't think I have to explain much more on this front :)
 
Purpose - similar to peace, it has given me a purpose.  When you are going through cancer treatment and/or recovering from it, it is so easy to get down and just want to stay in your little sanitized safe box (home).  But as you recover you have to start slowly re-inserting yourself back into the world.   Photography forces you to go out for walks and enjoy the world around you that you fought so hard to keep.  It opens your eyes to simple beauties, emotions, and pleasures that you often missed before and it reminds you that all the tough times going through treatment and fighting for your life were worth it. 
 
At the beginning of the year I did post about Cancer's Positive Side Effect and how we should not wait until something tragic happens to us to make changes to make positive changes to our lives.  At the end of that post I challenged each of you to come up with a positive change and put it in action.  It has now been 4 months and I am doing a checkup on all of you.  You have heard about how I implemented photography into my life and it achieved all 4 of the P's of Positivity (hey those are pretty good, maybe I should trademark them :)   ) for me, now I want to hear about your positive changes. 
 
What did you identify you could do in your life to make a positive change?  Have you implemented it?  Any difficulties along the way? 
 
I really want to hear so please email me aaronofford@gmail.com or comment.  I think this is such an important thing for each and everyone of us to do.

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Our Sense of Self

The official part of the engagement party was winding to a close and the "real" party was about to start.  Amy's cousin's husband, Andrew, and I slipped down to the basement to get a little quiet and truthfully just to lay out of the couches and relax (I don't have the energy I used to on going).
 
While we watched tv we started talking and he asked me what this experience had taught me the most.  I had to stop for a minute and think.  I have been writing this blog for well over a year now reflecting on the different lessons that Cancer had given me but to narrow all those different things down to one left me speechless.  Which lessons were bigger than others?
 


There were a couple lessons like appreciate life more, seeing the beauty in things I wouldn't have before, and taking life at a slower pace.  But deep down I wasn't fully satisfied with those answers.  We continued chatting and after a little while it came to me. 
 
The biggest lesson going through cancer has taught me is our Sense of Self and how it is tied to our self worth.
 
If you were to do a survey I am sure that you would find that almost everyone's sense of self is tied to one of two things; their careers or their physical appearance.  The problem is in reality you really don't have much control of either of these two things.  Your career can be taken away at any moment whether through restructuring, downsizing, personal illness etc.  And your physical appearance will fade as you age, it is just inevitable.  So what happens when the thing that makes up all of your personal sense of self worth is taken away?  You feel empty, lost, depressed, and even destroyed.  It can be very hard for someone to rebuild when they feel like their entire self was taken away.
 
I really can empathesize with this.  When my leukemia hit it struck both "popular fronts".  It took away my career that I had poured the last three years into building, and the drugs required to treat make it impossible to even begin to try and switch your self worth to appearance.  When I got out of the hospital last year, I was lost and beginning to get depressed.  I knew I needed to redefine myself.  I went through weeks of my mood going up and down while tried to redefine my sense of self.  What made it worse was I was still on steroids so you can imagine what Amy dealt with....very high high's and very low low's.  Bless her for sticking it out :D
 
But it wasn't all bad.  I learnt an extremely valuable lesson; your sense of self CANNOT be tied to something that you don't control.  I am not saying part of your sense of self can't be work or physical but that can't be it.  You have more to you, so when tragedy comes knocking you still are in control of yourself. 
 
This is why I have been pushing you all this year to go out and find passions and hobbies.  It isn't so you can have stuff to take up more of your time.  It is to enrich your life and start building a sense of self that only you can control.  
 
There are many forms of tragedies and we never know when one will strike in our lives.  I know I will be ready for it with a set of strong passions and sense of self.  
 
Will you??
 

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